How Can I Incorporate Kink Into My Sex Life?

We are all far kinkier than we realize if we are willing to explore and own it. Sex has no limits other than those we place on it, which are far too uptight. Try to view your current sexuality as a starting point. “Kinky” is a scary word used to describe all the sex acts that make us anxious — and maybe turn us on — but that we are afraid to own. Kinky sex is what will save your sex life and long-term relationship, and it will also help you learn about yourself.

It’s exactly why I became a sex therapist; I learned how the lesser-known and avoided parts of our sexuality — what we consider kinky sex — are what turn us on the most, and where we need the most confidence and freedom to engage it to fully be ourselves.

Kink is a broad term that holds everything our culture, family and friends make fun of, call gross or unhealthy, or shame as a sex addiction. But this is where some of the hottest sex you will ever have is born.

True sexuality means making a list of all the kinky sex acts you’ve never tried, always thought about or masturbated to, and make doing them a goal. What holds you back is stigma and slut shame, and breaking though both of these is what sexual and mental health is truly about.

To discuss your kinks is one of the most powerful acts of care and commitment, because it’s the ultimate sign of wanting true intimacy. It’s also super vulnerable, so when someone discusses with you such a deeply sensitive part of themselves, say thank you, take the compliment and keep any judgments to yourself.

So what do you do when a partner asks to bring more of their true sexual self into your relationship? Your options are “no thank you”, “maybe (but with some edits)” or “yes, please!” Having a partner request diverse or colorful sex is your opportunity to explore, expand and have way more fun with them.

If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your sexuality, the work is in figuring out if it’s your own sex-shaming or if perhaps you’re with a partner that lacks sexual maturity, both of which are opportunities for everyone to grow.

But the work must be done, because our general self-esteem is impacted deeply by our sexual-esteem. The two feed directly into each other.

You cannot feel fully free or solid if you have shame about such a deep and important part of who you are. This is also how sexual compatibility is assessed. Sexual compatibility is not always about a direct match of interests but a willingness to be open and flexible.

Use your full sexuality as a way to build self-esteem and to deepen your intimacy with partners. You’ll end up with either an explosively hot and phenomenal kinky sex life or an understanding that your partner isn’t ready for an authentic relationship of vulnerability and honesty.

Have you tried to incorporate kinky sex into your life? We wanna hear about it. Sound off in the comments.

Photos © The Robert Mapplethorpe Foundation

This article was originally published on October 9, 2020. It has since been updated.